Here we go again with the forgiveness…

It’s going to be awkward at many Thanksgiving tables this year. There have always been those relatives that you know are conservative and more than likely just being polite in your presence. It often becomes the job of the gay guy or girl to make sure that everyone is comfortable with his or her “lifestyle”. Don’t even get me started on that term… There is acceptance and then there is tolerance.  In the world we all just want to be tolerated. I do me and you do you, very simple right? But in our family life or tribe what we really want is acceptance. We want to be understood and appreciated for our uniqueness.

                Once the toothpaste is out of tube and you’ve announced to world that you’re different in some way, you hope that the people you love will still love you. In some cases they do and everyone lives happily ever after. But in most cases there is still a family member or two that thinks you’re going straight to hell with the rest of your pervert friends. They still send you a holiday card and smile and hug you when they see you, but you know. You can feel the condescending energy when they ask how your “friend” is.

                So here we go again with the forgiveness… Now you get to sit and smile and nod while eating and drinking more than you should. All the while being polite and telling yourself “they love me, they’re just stupid”. It takes an amazing amount of forgiveness to be gay. You can always count on someone to need help dealing with your “lifestyle”. You’ll choose your words and topics of conversation carefully as not to bring up anything that will create an awkward moment. We’re a helpful breed, us gays. I think this year is going to be extra challenging for many gay people as they sit down to Thanksgiving with their family. Because Trump was so intense and irresponsible with his message it’s hard not to judge those that voted for him. How will the next three Thanksgivings go as each year we watch progress being destroyed? Will we smile and be thankful with people who voted for this talking Cheeto?            

                I think we need to talk about it. In my opinion the best argument to make is that you’re hurt. Debating the issues and defending one candidate or another isn’t going to accomplish anything. The real message needs to be that you feel betrayed. Maybe we need to consider not being so polite all the time. I see nothing wrong with expressing hurt and disappointment in a family member who voted for Donald Trump. Let them own it and make them look you in the eye and explain themselves because it warrants an explanation.  Then forgive them. But whatever you do, don’t let them off the hook without telling them how their vote made you feel. Tell them they are wrong…

                

Where do you stand and how would I know?

Some time has passed since the election and the dark cloud still looms. I come across stories in my Facebook news feed everyday of horrendous crimes against gay people. This morning I read of a 75 year old man in Florida that was dragged out of his car and beaten in front of his home. The attacker had targeted him because he had a Human Rights Campaign sticker on his car. While he punched the senior citizen he declared “My new president says we can kill faggots now”.

                Every day I see a new story and I have noticed that when I speak about them to my family I get an immediate and strong reaction.  “Why are you reading those stories!?” , “Stop looking at that stuff!”, and of course “Get off of Facebook!”. These reactions frustrate and disappoint me. Of course I see that they are coming from a place of protection and love. My family doesn’t want me thinking about the fact that a large number of people would torture and kill me if they had the chance. I suppose it is safe to assume that they do not want to think about it either.

                I’m really struggling with this tactic. It actually seems counterproductive to me and I admit that the suggestion frankly makes me angry. Why would I make the choice to ignore such terrible events? These are real people, who have been victimized while going about their business for the sole reason that some insecure homophobe is terrified of their own sexuality. Is the proper response to ignore these things until they affect me personally? Yes, that is when it becomes a topic of conversation that is worthy of ruining the day. Perhaps that is and has always been the biggest challenge when it comes to staring hatred and evil in the face and saying no. Until something has directly affected us we usually ignore it.

                Of course I have no idea what to do about it. March and chant? Yeah that makes an impact for a day and people love to agree with you when you’re on the street corner yelling for equal rights. But the true test is on a daily basis. Do you smile at the transgender person serving you at the coffee shop or do you avoid eye contact? Do you talk about and express how you feel when someone is victimized? These are the true tests. Martin Luther King said “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”


Where do you stand and how would I know?

It’s not a buffet

                I’ve always battled with a strong need to break out and say it like it is, just ask my poor Ma & Pa. From the beginning we are hit with messages about being polite and consequences are typically swift when you step out of line and question an elder or jump off the path that’s been chosen for you. Yesterday I felt sort of numb and sad. By last night I was furious thinking about the people that would smile at me and give words of support, all the while behind that voting curtain they were voting for a regime that has promised to try and reverse the federal recognition of my marriage and start systematically inserting racism and fear into our culture.

                I wonder about the narrative running through people’s minds when they voted for this man. Did my relatives & so called friends think about how a Trump presidency would impact my community?  Is it possible that some of the same people that congratulated us on our marriage then turned around and voted for a leader that said he would reverse the federal recognition of it? It can’t be that these people that “love” us would have voted for our rights to be stripped away, or for my husband to not receive my social security benefits if I pass away before him.

                Of course I am expected to accept this and shut my mouth as not to offend anyone or start a war within families and groups of friends.

                I would like to announce formally that I will no longer be polite and/or passive with people that do not believe that I am entitled to the same rights in this country as a straight man. I will no longer accept that someone’s upbringing is an excuse for their ignorant behavior as an adult. Your hate and prejudice becomes your own once you hit 25. (It’s my rule; don’t bother trying to argue with me). The biggest commitment I make will probably be one of the hardest because it is so much easier to just bite your tongue and let stupid people have their moment and then move on. Instead I commit to myself that I will speak up every single time I am confronted with support for Trump and I will be willing to anger, disappoint, and even alienate myself if necessary. I will no longer worry about making a situation uncomfortable by inserting my opinion and saying it like it is.

                The truth hurts and the truth is that half of this country doesn’t think that my rights are as important as theirs. Half of this country wants a wall, wants to deport Muslims, & wants to rip undocumented parents away from their American citizen kids and throw them back over the border. The numbers don’t lie and I don’t want to hear any bullshit about how you voted for him because of the economy and not his social views. It’s not a buffet you morons! You get what you get and you ordered the asshole. Enjoy…